A Gift for Your Lady Love

The other day, the Manfriend came in from our TV room and asked,

"Babe, what would you say if I got you a Pap Smear for Christmas?"

"Umm...thank you and know you loved me, I guess?" replied the sexual health dork.

"Well, I do love you, but a Pap Smear seems like kind of a tricky present to me," said the sweetest man on wheels.

While I agree that it can be tricky, and advise making it part of a present, a Pap Smear is a fantastic gift. Even if you don't follow any of the many KwanzSolChristMukkah traditions going on this time of year, it's still a great time to celebrate the lady - and the yoni - you love. Help make sure they're both healthy and happy for many New Year celebrations to come!

GAGA

Seriously, I love me some Lady Gaga. She is beyond fabulous. She's not the first to do the whole life-and-fashion-as-art thing, but ohmigod she does it so damn well with her teacups and her fashion and her never wearing pants. She's just delicious.

Recently, the buzz around le Gaga has been all aswirl...omg, does she have a penis?!?! Is she a MAN?!?! Well, here it is from her own scrumptious dollface:

"It's not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It's just a little bit of a penis and really doesn't interfere much with my life. The reason I haven't talked about it is that it's not a big deal to me. Like come on. It's not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big f*cking deal."

How can you not admire someone that down with being exactly who she is?! This woman grew up with a penis in a country where girls destroy themselves over a couple of extra pounds, and she came out of it as a positive, smart, talented and successful woman in love with herself and her body. If that's not something to look up to, I don't know what is.

Get some Gaga!

What's Sexy This Holiday Season

D&G would like you to know that watches are sexy. So sexy they drive sexy people to do sexy things that shock their mothers.

I've always believed that open and honest communication is the best way to make Boyfriend okay with Other Boyfriend showing up and joining in, but apparently it's watches! Thank you, Dolce and Gabbana!

No Babies: Our Intrauterine Friends

The intra-uterine device, or IUD, is extremely effective (more than 99%), and lasts for a very long time. There are 2 IUDs currently on the market: the Paragard (or 'copper T') and the Mirena. I had the Mirena placed about 3 years ago, and I heart it.

Both types look very similar - a small plastic 'T' that rests inside the uterus. The Paragard contains a small amount copper which inhibits sperm motility, while the Mirena contains a tiny amount of the hormone progestin, which prevents ovulation and thickens cervical mucus so the sperm can't swim well. The devices themselves create a physical obstacle, as well. The Paragard remains effective for 12 years, the Mirena for 5 years.

Paraguard Mirena

Both are placed by a health care professional. The placement procedure takes about 20 - 30 minutes, costs between $175 and $650, and is covered by most insurance. Now, I can't lie...the placement hurts like hell. It's supposed to be easier for women who've given vaginal birth, but even then, it's not fun. Don't fear, though...local anesthesia is available and is WORTH EVERY PENNY. It's called a 'cervical block', and it is your friend.

Side effects are few, but include spotting between periods, especially in the first several months. The Paraguard can make monthly periods heavier, which can lead to anemia, and can also make cramps worse. Mirena can stop periods completely - I only have 3-4 super light periods per year, which is win.

One rare side effect (that I experienced, unfortunately) is a temporary, but marked, decrease in sex drive. For me, it lasted about 5 months. Everything got 100% back to normal, but it definitely put a kink into my relationship for a while there, and not in the fun way.

If someone is ready to get busy right away, Paragard is effective immediately. Mirena is effective immediately if placed within 7 days of a woman's last period. If it's placed at any other time during her cycle, a backup method is needed for 1 week.

IUDs are best suited to women in monogamous sexual relationships, as the strings used for retrieval pass through the cervix into the vagina, creating a veritable superhighway for bacteria (chlamydia, gonorrhea, even normal flora) to enter into the uterus. Bacteria + uterus = OW. I have known a few health care professionals that insist women with more than one partner can safely use IUDs, but most recommend against it.

Less than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant while using and IUD. Unfortunately, if a woman does get pregnant while using one, there is an increased risk for ectopic or tubal pregnancy. A woman can get pregnant within a month or two of having the IUD removed, so if "No Babies!" turns into "Babies, Please!", you're solid. They're also both safe to use while breastfeeding!

An IUD gives the protection and forget-about-it-ness of permanent birth control without having to commit to the permanent part. It's the most effective non-permanent method (some say it's most effective, full stop) and also the most cost-effective. That equals 2 thumbs up 'round these parts!

Kiwi Jerk

There is room for all kinds of selfishness when sex is involved. It can range from benign (cutting oral sex a little short from time to time because it's been a long day and your face is getting tired) to insidious (sabotaging birth control in the hopes a baby will save a relationship) to criminal (roofies).

But fer serious, this guy wins the dubious title of King of the Selfish Assholes.

Short version: guy in New Zealand finds out he's HIV+ during a routine physical. His wife and children are not infected. Wife stays with husband, but won't have sex with him. Guy then injects her with his blood while she's sleeping so she'll also be HIV+ and therefore have sex with him again.

Way to go, prick.

I'm not sure which part of "honey, I stuck you with needles while you were sleeping and infected you with an incurable disease that could make you agonizingly sick and will likely shorten your lifespan" is supposed to inspire amorous feelings in someone. But he's facing a 14-year prison sentence in Auckland, so I'm guessing his sociopathic plan didn't exactly go as he'd hoped.

Defile It, Baby!

A zillion years ago, I learned that the verb 'to masturbate' meant 'to fool oneself' in some ancient language. As it turns out, this is wrong. How the modern word came about is a little convoluted, but to sum up, it actually means "to defile [oneself] with the hand". Not quite as catchy as 'to fool oneself', but still very good to know!

Unsurprisingly enough, I'm a big fan of masturbation. I think it's something absolutely everyone should do on a regular basis - men and women, young and old, whether single or partnered. It gets people familiar with how they like to be touched. It provides an escape from reality - to a place where the sex is always good! It's also a way for people to pamper themselves a little and to love on themselves for a while.

Joycelyn Elders, one of the most awesomest humans ever, was appointed Surgeon General by Bill Clinton in 1993. Just over a year later, at a United Nations AIDS conference, she said that promoting masturbation to young people as an alternative to riskier behaviors was an idea worth considering. She was promptly fired by the White House, instantly becoming a martyr for reason and rational thought.

In fact, it was only after hearing about Bush II's abstinence-only-sex-education plans that I stopped believing the government couldn't get any stupider than firing someone for suggesting it's ok for kids to masturbate. But, as usual, I digress. I do that, if you hadn't noticed.

We'll get into the nitty-gritty of self love on another day. For today, I just want to state that everyone should be putting out for themselves from time-to-time. You deserve to get some just the way you like it, even if you're not ready to share exactly what that is yet. And no matter how well or how regularly you might be getting some from a partner, make sure to save a dance for yourself every once in a while.

Finally! An excuse for a Glee clip!!

Various Miscellany for Your Consideration

I have been totally neglecting my Chakabox duties in the face of Thanksgiving and graduate school interviews (fingers crossed, please!) and the wedding of my friend-since-I-was-6-months-old (yay M+K 4evr!!!), but I have been gathering awesome tidbits of knowledge for your enjoyment and enrichmentizing!

1. First Thanksgiving shocker: Pilgrims weren't as prudish as you might think! If you were a married pilgrim, you could get as freaky as you wanted. They did have all kinds of laws against unmarried sex, though, and said they'd kill anyone who broke them (they were puritans, after all) but they usually just ended up flogging people and putting them in the stocks for a while. The only thing they'd actually kill you for is schtupping the livestock. They killed one guy for schtupping the livestock, anyway.

totally asking for it

2. My family was sitting around the appetizers on Thanksgiving and my uncle told us the craziest story about his vasectomy: when the electric cauterization began, his veins conducted the electricity throughout his whole body like he was being tazed. It happens very rarely - his doctor had only seen it once before in his whole career and was super excited about it. Unlike my 18-year-old cousin, who was not excited to hear a story about her father's junk.

3. Happy day after World AIDS Day! The first World AIDS Day was celebrated on December 1, 1988 to bring attention to the growing AIDS epidemic. Since then, it's celebration has been used to promote education, reduce stigma and increase prevention efforts around the world. World AIDS Day is accepted pretty much universally - even the Pope (JPaul and Benedict) sends a greeting out each year. Here's some ways to help, with the fight, iffin' ya wanna!

any color = too many