Sinplex Weekend

There are two sexually transmitted infections that are kind of in a class by themselves:  herpes and HPV.  What makes them unique is that they are generally non-life-threatening, but also incurable.  HPV is usually cleared by a person's immune system after a few years, but herpes is around for life.

it'll keep poppin' in from time to time, just to say hi

Isabella!

There was exactly one movie my sister and I were not allowed to watch when we were younger: Blue Velvet.  My mom said that it depicted a side of humanity (and sexuality, but she didn't say that part at the time) that we didn't have context for yet, and she worried we wouldn't be able to fully integrate it, and it might screw with our heads.

David Lynch screw with someone's head?  Nah....

Behind the cut is an example of how my mama is no fool.

British Spies are SMART

I've already admitted that I rather fancy the Brits.  I like their accents and I like their television (which is always so much better than the American remakes), and I like looking at their princes.  Not that they don't have their problems (we can talk about the deeply ingrained racism and classism another time), and it's not like they didn't act like dicks running around colonizing everything for about a jillion years, but I have an uncanny ability to romanticize things when I want to.

A typical Tuesday night in a typical British household

Erotic Horror, Deep Sea Style

I was all set to do this big political post inspired by video about a 90's anti-masturbation campaign put forth by a woman who recently won the GOP primary in Delaware, but got exhausted trying to explain in a succinct and entertaining manner that I really don't hate Republicans or Christians, so I bagged it.

Let's just say that I believe repression of natural sexuality leads to unhealthy ends and that while politicians' religious beliefs must inform their legislative actions, they should never dictate them - we live in a secular society.

That being said, it is my goal that everyone feel welcome, no matter where you fall relative to the proverbial aisle.  I remain unapologetically pro-choice and pro-comprehensive sex education in schools, but if you can hang with that, I hope you can feel comfortable here.

This is Mark.  He's how we try to roll.

But enough with politics.  Instead, let's talk about how crazy the sex lives of deep sea anglerfish are, because their sex lives are CRAZY. 

When Sleepytime = Sexytime

Sometimes, I can't sleep.  It's kind of a drag, but I mostly don't mind.  It usually happens because I'm stressed out about something and can't wind down, but sometimes it's because there's too much noise outside (I live downtown and there's people and cars and frickin' garbage trucks going all night).  On more rare occasions it's because the Manfriend mounts a production of his momentous and rousing Sleepytime Symphony.

I want that teeth gnashing just pianissimo tonight, people...

It all pales in comparison, though, to Sexsomnia, or sleepsex. It's a variant on sleepwalking where sufferers perform all kinds of sexual actions, including talking dirty, masturbating, and having sexual intercourse with people, all while fast asleep.  Think x-rated sleepwalking - not something easily remedied by earplugs (which are a miracle of sleep science, by the way).

Big Brother is Watching Your Junk

Amongst the random things that I love is WWI and WWII propaganda art.  So imagine my delight when I found out that during both of these wars, there were huge campaigns against STDs, or if you want to be authentic, VD.  Instead of trying to describe the sheer awesomeness of them, I present a selection for you!  TheChive has a crapload more here - thanks to them for accumulating all of 'em into one single page of sheer Chaka joy!

This is on the lid of my lunchbox.  It is the best lunchbox in the world.

Sex Surrogacy - Therapy or Prostitution?

So, the reason I'm in graduate school right now is to eventually become a sex therapist.  I'm really good at talking about sex and also at talking to people and I figure it's probably a good match.  As I talk to people about this, a surprising number of them have asked me if that means I'd be, "you know, having sex with people?"

Well, sure, all of us do.

Love is Universal, It's Sound is NOT

Makin' it is pretty universal. Universal to humans, anyway - who know what's going on out there in space beyond our view, but we humans have evolved complementary happy parts that are common to pretty much all of us, and we all pretty much use them in the same way, no matter where we're from, be it Peru or Pyongyang.

internationally celebrated

What is not universal, though, is how we vocalize gettin' some. It totally changes from country to country! This answers an age-old question for me, namely why dubbed porn is so bad (the link is in German and fully clothed, but is also from porn, so I'm going to label it NSFW just in case!). This information was brought to us thanks to research out of University College London.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Orgasm

If you've never heard of TED, you are in for a treat. TED is a non-profit organization who's mission is to spread knowledge and ideas. Some of the best thinkers in the world are given 18 minutes to talks about what they know, which is a LOT.

It started out about 25 years ago with talks about Technology, Entertainment and Design, but it's now grown to encompass tons of topics from music and poetry to physics and neurology. Some more high-profile members are Bill Gates, Jane Goodall, Douglas Adams, Malcolm Gladwell and James Watson, but every speaker is a leader in their respective field.

There are tons of talks on their website, but this one is from a science journalist Mary Roach, who has gone through all kinds of obscure research to bring us 10 things that I simply did not know about the most fun you can have:

AMAZING. A couple of choice tidbits: there is a case study of a woman who would bring herself to orgasm by brushing her teeth, "upsuck" is an actual scientific term, and that having an orgasm will cure the hiccups. As someone who is driven batshit insane by the hiccups, this information has made my week.

I love orgasms. I love TED. The two together are nothing short of magic.

Spooge 101

Because there's no such thing as having too many factoids to share at cocktail parties. Click to make it bigger!

Thanks for the submish, Zobot!

Fun for Data Miners!

One of my favorite parts of the movie Amelie is this (NSFW) one:

Because I also wonder this!!

Now, I need not wonder anymore, thanks to none other than the interwebs. Enter IJustMadeLove.com!

The main page is a map with lots of pink and blue icons on it. Each of these markers represents people that have recently gotten it on. Some represent single couples, other large concentrations of couples. You can filter by how recently sex was had, the sex of the people gettin' it on, whether the sex was hetero- or homosexual, where it was had (on a couch? a boat?), whether it was someone's first time, and if a condom was used. FUN!

You can also zoom in really far to pretty much anywhere in the whole world, from the wide angle of the whole world to your very own streetcorner. You can also leave your own markers, completely anonymously!

I just learned that a girl had awesome shower sex last night at about 10:30 down by Fort Lewis, WA. And a guy in Seoul had a MARATHON earlier today that looks like it was a lot of fun. SO FUN! Yay!

IJML is the brainchild of the lovely people at SharQ Ltd., a Polish interactive web application development team. Thank you for this latest diversion, smiley Polish interweb people!

And I Thought Bush-Era Sex Education Was Bad...

I'll admit to being a bit of an Anglophile. They brought me Jane Austen, Monty Python and Absolutely Fabulous, not to mention Yorkshire Pudding and David Beckham, and for this I am eternally grateful.

However, they're also responsible for hideous acts of colonial violence, bloody wars and that damn 'Shopaholic' book series (which, dear readers, you should especially not read while working in a central African hospital with no electricity or running water. It will anger you deeply).

The Brits also coughed this up, which was sent to the Answerbox this morning. I am at once amused and appalled (click to make it bigger):

Those blokes sure knew how to keep a bird happy!

A few highlights:

"Should your husband suggest congress, then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's."

"...a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had."

Mind you, this is from the 1960s, not the 1860s. 50 years ago, people. Well within my parents' lifetimes. I mean, I knew the Brits were a little more proper than we Yanks, but this is kind of ridiculous.

Whenever I get pissed off about the inequality women still have to deal with in this world, I like to break crap like this out to remind myself how much better I have it than my foremothers did.

Thank you, JJ, for sending this in, and for raising beautiful boys that will help to keep the gender gap shrinking!

Not Work Safe, Dude Doesn't Care

One of the odd things about my last workplace was that on any given day, you could walk by various offices and see genitalia displayed openly on computer monitors. Ahhhh...science.

So, if the guy in the video below also worked in an STD research clinic, nobody would be particularly surprised if naked parts showed up on his computer. But because he works in a wealth management office, that surprise factor shoots up to about 9.5. Look over the talking head's left shoulder at about 1:00.

Now we're talkin' a spreadsheet!

My favorite part? Check out employee of the month at 1:34: "Wait, what?"

Let this be a life lesson for you, dear readers: if at work your computer monitor faces anything other than you and the wall behind you, save the topless photos for home. Especially when instead of the wall your computer monitor faces, say, the television camera crew that has set up across the room for the afternoon.

Oh, Tyra

Not a great way to encourage this young man to ask adults honest sex questions (which was the point after all), but an excellent way to entertain me. Thank you, Miss Tyra.

Answerbox: Penis, Uninterrupted (Scientific Yet NSFW Pics Ahead!)

I got an email in the Answerbox the other day from a person who had just started dating an uncircumcised man for the first time, and wasn't quite sure what to do once his pants came off. In response, I give you an introduction to penises as nature makes 'em!

Men are born with a foreskin, which is a 2-layered fold of skin that covers the glans, (head) of a flaccid penis. Because most adult men in America today (65%-80%) have had their foreskin removed (been circumcised or 'cut'), many Americans have never seen an intact penis. This here is an example, for the uninitiated:

The outer layer of skin is, obviously, a continuation of the shaft's skin. The inner side is a mucous membrane, like the inside of the mouth or inner folds of a woman's yoni. When the penis becomes erect, the foreskin essentially turns inside out, exposing this more tender skin, as well as the head of the penis:

Where are all the not-porny pictures of non-white penises?! This irks me.

There are some foreskins that don't retract all the way back during an erection, and these can usually be manually retracted, or not, depending on a man's preference. Guys will know from solo efforts how best to handle the situation. If it just won't retract, no matter how he or you try, he may have a condition called phimosis, and should at least talk with a healthcare professional, especially if it would be the first time doing so. He may need medical intervention (though not necessarily).

To maintain a healthy uncircumcised penis, it needs to be kept clean (which can be said for any penis) and protected by condoms with new sex partners. Condoms are especially important because the mucous membrane makes uncut penises much more susceptible to STDs. This increased STD risk is one of the arguments made for circumcision, but the whole circumcision argument is something for another day.

From a partner perspective (which is the only perspective I've got, being female and all), I've found there's not much difference between intact and circumcised once a guy's standing at attention. The skin on the shaft of an erect uncircumcised penis slides up and down a lot more, condom technique varies slightly, and uncut penises tend to be more sensitive at the tip. Other than that, they're really very similar, and each is a treat in its own way!

penis treat!

Finally, if you have questions about any given unit, the absolute best person to ask is the guy attached to it. You can make it sexy and fun: start out gently, asking "do you like this?" while lightly touching him. Then just keep trying stuff ("...what about this? This?") until you get the hang of it. Don't be shy - there isn't a man out there that doesn't like undivided attention paid to his penis, especially when it's in an effort to pleasure it more effectively.

So, here's to the ever-fashionable Snake Sweater! Leaving penises intact is becoming more and more common in the US, so it's wise for young folks (or those with a taste for young men) to have a familiarity with what's coming up on deck. Thanks for your contribution, Answerbox submitter - now go get some with confidence. Have fun!!

Do you have a question for the Answerbox? Click here, or at the top of the page and ask away. All questions will be answered, and all names will remain 100% confidential!

Words = Potential Lifesavers

Several years ago, my good friend Alexis was working in Mumbai doing HIV/AIDS education amongst poor women, because she's rad like that. One day, while sitting in an internet cafe, an Indian man at the next computer spoke to her:

"Sister, what are you doing here in India?" (Alexis is very clearly not Indian)

"I'm teaching women about HIV and AIDS."

"Oh, I am so glad you are here! I was with a prostitute last night, and I am worried that I could have gotten AIDS. Can you tell me if I am in danger?"

"Did you use a condom?"

"Oh yes, I always use a condom with prostitutes. But I kissed the woman on the mouth. Am I in danger?"

"Well, it's very good that you always use condoms with prostitutes, and you should keep doing that. It is very unlikely that you could have gotten HIV from a kiss. But I will suggest that before you get married, you get tested, to make sure you and your wife are safe."

No hesitation, no embarrassment, no judgment. And I love how she connected getting tested for HIV with his responsibility as a husband - people will often do something for a partner that they won't do for themselves. She gave factual, relevant information in an open and honest way that very well may have saved lives.

For that, and countless other things, including once saying "If I had $5 for every boy I deflowered, I could buy a sweater at the Gap", Alexis will always be a winner here at Chakabox.

Ballistic Twirl

I read in a book once that bird penises remain inside bird bodies, except during sexual intercourse, for aerodynamic purposes. I've never had reason to doubt this, but after seeing this possibly NSFW video, my belief in the concept is cemented:

"Ballistic Penis" - not just a good band name, it's a real thing!

Oh. My. God. Did you see that?! It's twirly! I never stopped to think about what a duck's penis would look like, because...well, I don't think about ducks that way. But never, in my wildest dreams, would I have guessed a duck penis would be huge and twirly. Or ballistic!

The penises have to be to be huge and twirly because duck vaginas are - get this - deep and twirly! This deep, twirly, highly muscled vagina evolved to help the mama duck control who would be papa to her ducklings. If she's excited about a duck, she will loosen her muscles and essentially guide him down the long and winding road. If she's not interested, she can clamp down and keep him out in the cold.

Ducks have rape-proof vaginas. Now that is smart. Go evolution.

A more detailed explanation can be found here and here. And many thanks to my sister's amoureux for sending me an article that will forever make Howard the Duck even MORE creepy!

kinky, indeed

Sexing up White Elephant

We went to a White Elephant party over the weekend. My idea was to take some of the freebie insurance calendars we have lying around the apartment, but the Manfriend pointed out that was lame. With my wheels turning, I thought about the most prominent white elephant gift in my memory.

Several years ago, at an exchange peopled primarily with Microsoft employees and their associated conference schwag, I ended up with practically the only gift not emblazoned with a stupid flying window logo: an issue of Penthouse and a copy of Anal Fever on bright-red VHS tape. Perhaps it was the slew of dirty looks shot my way all night from the ponytailed (I kid you not!) programmer from whom I stole the porny goodness, but I have never forgotten that gift.

Alas, Anal Fever was not available for this weekend's fete because my ex-boyfriend broke it years ago while trying to catch the Fever while I was in the shower one day. He could have waited until I was out of the shower, I suppose, but he was a pretty selfish guy. Super hot, though.

Anyway, we agreed that a box of condoms and a Penthouse would be an excellent addition to the evening's gifting festivities. On the way to our local purveyor of such things, I decided to stop by Babeland (the best sex toy shop ever) just in case they had anything cheap and fun. Note to all: Babeland is an excellent place to find cheap, fun and sexy White Elephant gifts!

The party was a blast, and our cherry-flavored pasties and candy g-string were among the most fought-for gifts. They were unable to top the appeal of 10 lottery tickets, but did beat out the singing/dancing stuffed chihuahua and the - can you believe it? - James Bond wall calendar. We came home with gourmet cookies and Polish booze. This suits us well.

To close, I have an announcement for unmarried men in the Greater Seattle Metropolitan area who are not assholes or mama's boys: there is a smart, sexy, soon-to-be-divorced 6th grade science teacher with newly procured edible underthings that will be looking for a good time here in a bit. If that's not fantasy fulfillment waiting to happen, I don't know what is!

What's Sexy This Holiday Season

D&G would like you to know that watches are sexy. So sexy they drive sexy people to do sexy things that shock their mothers.

I've always believed that open and honest communication is the best way to make Boyfriend okay with Other Boyfriend showing up and joining in, but apparently it's watches! Thank you, Dolce and Gabbana!

No Babies: Our Intrauterine Friends

The intra-uterine device, or IUD, is extremely effective (more than 99%), and lasts for a very long time. There are 2 IUDs currently on the market: the Paragard (or 'copper T') and the Mirena. I had the Mirena placed about 3 years ago, and I heart it.

Both types look very similar - a small plastic 'T' that rests inside the uterus. The Paragard contains a small amount copper which inhibits sperm motility, while the Mirena contains a tiny amount of the hormone progestin, which prevents ovulation and thickens cervical mucus so the sperm can't swim well. The devices themselves create a physical obstacle, as well. The Paragard remains effective for 12 years, the Mirena for 5 years.

Paraguard Mirena

Both are placed by a health care professional. The placement procedure takes about 20 - 30 minutes, costs between $175 and $650, and is covered by most insurance. Now, I can't lie...the placement hurts like hell. It's supposed to be easier for women who've given vaginal birth, but even then, it's not fun. Don't fear, though...local anesthesia is available and is WORTH EVERY PENNY. It's called a 'cervical block', and it is your friend.

Side effects are few, but include spotting between periods, especially in the first several months. The Paraguard can make monthly periods heavier, which can lead to anemia, and can also make cramps worse. Mirena can stop periods completely - I only have 3-4 super light periods per year, which is win.

One rare side effect (that I experienced, unfortunately) is a temporary, but marked, decrease in sex drive. For me, it lasted about 5 months. Everything got 100% back to normal, but it definitely put a kink into my relationship for a while there, and not in the fun way.

If someone is ready to get busy right away, Paragard is effective immediately. Mirena is effective immediately if placed within 7 days of a woman's last period. If it's placed at any other time during her cycle, a backup method is needed for 1 week.

IUDs are best suited to women in monogamous sexual relationships, as the strings used for retrieval pass through the cervix into the vagina, creating a veritable superhighway for bacteria (chlamydia, gonorrhea, even normal flora) to enter into the uterus. Bacteria + uterus = OW. I have known a few health care professionals that insist women with more than one partner can safely use IUDs, but most recommend against it.

Less than 1 in 100 women will get pregnant while using and IUD. Unfortunately, if a woman does get pregnant while using one, there is an increased risk for ectopic or tubal pregnancy. A woman can get pregnant within a month or two of having the IUD removed, so if "No Babies!" turns into "Babies, Please!", you're solid. They're also both safe to use while breastfeeding!

An IUD gives the protection and forget-about-it-ness of permanent birth control without having to commit to the permanent part. It's the most effective non-permanent method (some say it's most effective, full stop) and also the most cost-effective. That equals 2 thumbs up 'round these parts!