Friday, April 23, 2010

American Economy Crashes While SEC Jerks Off

Not much renders me speechless.  The Manfriend planned a surprise trip to Vancouver, BC to see the Dalai Lama a couple years ago for my birthday - that did it.  Seeing fireflies for the first time did it.  So did walking through a third world cancer ward for the first time.  So did this bulls*!t.

Apparently, one of the reasons the Securities and Exchange Commission failed to notice that the American economy was headed down a doom spiral was that they were too busy watching porn.  Hard core, full penetration, bow-chicka-bow-wow porn.  I'm not talking some rank-and-file cubicle monkey here - I'm talking 17 top-tier members of the SEC. Men (and at least one woman) in the second-highest federal pay grade: between $100K - $222K taxpayer dollars every year.

"Dude, Fannie Mae is too HOT to fail!"

I'm not anti-porn. In fact, I'm all for it in the right situations.  I'll tell you one thing, though: work is never one of these situations, except in very specific instances.  Spreadsheets? Ok at work.  Spread eagle?  NOT OK AT WORK.  There are some workplaces where it is appropriate for there to be sexy bits on computer screens: adult film production houses, various clinics (STD, maternal and infant care, urology, and the like), art studios - you get it.  The SEC IS NOT ONE OF THEM.  Excuse my yelling, but I have Feelings about this.  Feelings with a capital F.

Some hard drives were so full (of actuarial tables? financial forecasts? market analyses?  no, silly!  full of porn!) that people started filling flash drives and burning disks.  Some of these people spent as much as 8 hours a day watching or accessing explicit material.  I don't have a problem if federal employees email their moms or buy something online at work here and there, but come on.  The economy, the whole reason they exist, is gasping like a goldfish in a Faith No More video, but everyone's eyes at the SEC are too dilated with horniness to notice.  Awesome.

But wait!  The hilarity continues! The flingin'-flangin' National Science Foundation is in on the party, too!!  Yes, those brainiacs over at the NSF have been enjoying their adult entertainment on company/taxpayer time, as well.  In the case of one "top official", 20% of his work time over the course of 2 years.  That's a total of just under 5 months, an estimated $58K worth of salary.  

Not the NSF

One guy set up a webcam network so he could get it on cyber style with is co-workers - and complained to the IT department that it was too slow.  These people couldn't even figure out they should use HEADPHONES if they're going to misappropriate federal equipment and time by watching hardcore pornography at work - another guy got caught after his office mate heard the moans and groans emanating from his workstation.  There's proof, boys and girls:  scientists can be stupid as hell.

So the next time you hear some SEC guy talk about how they never saw the crash coming, you'll now know why.

No comments:

Post a Comment