Sunday, September 26, 2010

Giving "Eat Me" a Whole New Meaning

Cannibalism isn't sexy.  I'm sorry if that offends any cannibals, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  I'm not saying that if I were part of the Donner Party, or one of those poor bastards that got in that plane crash in the Andes that I wouldn't break off a piece of someone if I got hungry enough, but it's just not sexy.  OK, there is a guy in Germany that might beg to differ, but he, like, eats people, and do you really want to listen to a guy who eats people?

Although I have heard they can pair a Chianti like a mofo

That being said, I would like to bring up a somewhat recent trend of people eating things that come from people.  A TREND, mind you, not some necessary-for-survival-and-will-make-a-great-memoir-someday situation.  A chef in New York was making cheese with his wife's breast milk earlier this year until he got the kibosh thrown down from the health department.  I drink cow's milk almost every day, and I understand that it's pretty much the same concept, but for some reason...yeah, I'm not really down.

your mom makes cheese!

But there is something even more unbelievable to me...a cookbook that served as the inspiration for this culinary-themed post that I can.  not.  believe.  exists.  Invisible ink was just the start, my friends...

Um, what?

According to the authors, 
"semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties.  Like fine wine and [breast milk?] cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.  Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.  Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food."
Look, I'm a big believer in swallowing cum - I figure if someone knows a guy well enough to suck his dick without a condom, they know him well enough to swallow his cum - but a cum cookbook might be taking things a little far.  I mean, the last time I checked, having cooks spooging into my food at a restaurant was a bad thing.  Not for everyone, apparently.

The Natural Harvest Bistro, Grand Opening Spring 2011

And how did someone come up with this idea, anyway?!  Was some dude just in the kitchen whipping up a batch of his Abuelita's famous flan and all of a sudden thought, "Know what would make this flan sing?  If I came into it."  And who were the people who got some cum flan and were like, "There's ejaculate in that flan?  How fun!  This is like that time we ate brains in Andalucia!"

Maaaaario,you simply MUST try the flan, it's diviiiiiiine

And what does the chef do, just whip it out and go to town while mixing wet ingredients, or does he prepare a supply as part of his mise-en-place?  What do female chefs do, ask one of the line cooks to help out?  If so, how is that not sexual harassment?  And what are the boundaries?  Can someone eat their brother's cum flan, or would that be considered creepy?

What if it were the only cum flan available?

I plan on eating some pretty serious food in my life (not eyeballs - I won't eat eyeballs), but I think I'm going to have to pass on the gastronomic adventure that is humanfood.  If you want to give the alleged goodness a try and are willing to fork over $75 for it, you can buy a copy of Natural Harvest here.  I, though, will stick to cheese of the cow/goat/sheep variety, and continue to take my natural harvest straight up, thank you.  


  1. Guess what we're having next time you come over for dinner!

  2. oh, I can never trust that amazing potato salad ever again.

  3. Is this safe for vegetarians?

  4. I guess it depends....I would think it would be off-limits for vegans, but can't imagine why veggies wouldn't eat it, except that it's gross.

  5. Is cum the new bacon? Cum vodka? Cum n chocolate, Cum and ....

  6. I hope not, because there's such a thing as Baconnaise.