Answerbox: What a Headache

Dear Answerbox:

A week or so ago, I was having sex with my wife (she was on top), and as I came, I got an insanely bad headache in the back of my skull.  It was so bad, I ended up in the emergency room getting a CAT scan.  The doctor said nothing was seriously wrong and sent me home with some headache pills.  WTF?  Is this going to happen for the rest of my life?

     Signed, 

     I Found Out What Ruins Orgasms

subarachnoid hemorrhage is decidedly not sexy

Answerbox: What's the Deal With Furries?

Dear Answerbox:

What is the name of the fetish where people dress up in mascot/animal costumes? That one fascinates me... how is that sexy? How does it work?

Sincerely, 

Never Looked At My Teddy That Way Before

It'll never be the same again

Answerbox: Can Viagra Help Women Orgasm Faster?

Dear Answerbox-

I'm a woman in my mid-thirties with an orgasm problem.  I can have them, but it takes a really, really long time, even when I'm by myself.  I enjoy sex, and my boyfriend is skilled and generous, but we're both a little frustrated.  I've heard that taking the old "blue pill" [Viagra] might help - is that true?

Sincerely,
Lady in Waiting

Well, we know what happens when you take the little red pill...

Answerbox: Turn and Cough!

Dear Answerbox: why do I have to "turn my head and cough" at the doctor?

Honestly, I always thought this was a testicle thing, but it's not! If you are not of the male species, or a male what's never had a physical (which is unacceptable - contact me if you need help finding an affordable physical), there comes a point in a testicular exam where gents are asked by their health provider to "turn their head and cough". Although there's a hand all up in a guy's junk when this happens, the only connection to balls at all is that the top of the scrotum is a good place to check for what they're looking for: hernias!

"Yes, I'm an ophthalmologist...why do you ask?"

A hernia is a weakness in the abdominal muscle wall that can allow little bits of organs to slip through, which is HORRIFYING and WRONG. When a guy coughs, his abdominal muscles tense up all at once and can make hernias more evident to someone who knows what to feel for. The head turning is just so the doc's face isn't all germy from being coughed on all day.

Good to know!

And I Thought Bush-Era Sex Education Was Bad...

I'll admit to being a bit of an Anglophile. They brought me Jane Austen, Monty Python and Absolutely Fabulous, not to mention Yorkshire Pudding and David Beckham, and for this I am eternally grateful.

However, they're also responsible for hideous acts of colonial violence, bloody wars and that damn 'Shopaholic' book series (which, dear readers, you should especially not read while working in a central African hospital with no electricity or running water. It will anger you deeply).

The Brits also coughed this up, which was sent to the Answerbox this morning. I am at once amused and appalled (click to make it bigger):

Those blokes sure knew how to keep a bird happy!

A few highlights:

"Should your husband suggest congress, then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's."

"...a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had."

Mind you, this is from the 1960s, not the 1860s. 50 years ago, people. Well within my parents' lifetimes. I mean, I knew the Brits were a little more proper than we Yanks, but this is kind of ridiculous.

Whenever I get pissed off about the inequality women still have to deal with in this world, I like to break crap like this out to remind myself how much better I have it than my foremothers did.

Thank you, JJ, for sending this in, and for raising beautiful boys that will help to keep the gender gap shrinking!

Answerbox: Goin' Down with a Cold

I got the following question in the Answerbox: "If I have a cold and I go down on a girl, can I give her my cold?" Such a good question!!

Because a woman's yoni is a mucous membrane, just like the inside of the mouth or the nose, yes, the tissue is susceptible to viral infection, even with a cold or flu virus.

However, because cold and flu viruses can live on surfaces and even in tiny water droplets in the air, it would be really hard to determine if the virus entered the body through specifically oral sex, as opposed to a more mundane route like a kiss or a sneeze or just being close to each other.

C'mere baby...lemme give you a kiss...

So, can you give a cold through oral sex? Yes. Will you? Probably not before you give it to her some other way.

Send in your questions because I love them!

Third Date Conversation

For most people with incurable-yet-not-deadly STDs, (like genital herpes or genital warts) symptoms of the infection are really not the troublesome part, believe it or not. The hard part is having to tell new sex partners about what they've got. I call this conversation the Third Date Conversation.

Time is of the Essence

"Third date" is a euphemism for the time in a new relationship when sex is imminent. You've made out a little, you've had dirty thoughts, copped a feel here and there, and you're ready to rip that sexy creature's clothes off and chow down. Sometimes this happens 45 minutes after meeting, sometimes it takes months or even years.

The actual # date is not the point. The point is that you hold off a little to let your date actually get to know you, so they can decide if sleeping with you is worth the risk to them. If you go out on one date with someone and it doesn't work out, they really don't need to know you have an STD. By the same token, though, you can't hold off so long that a) they're all in love with you, or b) you end up naked without having talked about it.

Take home message: have this conversation BEFORE nakedness commences.

Location, Location, Location

This should go down (no pun intended) in a neutral place, somewhere that both people can comfortably leave and go back to their own space if anyone needs to mull things over before continuing. Not in someone's bedroom when you're half-naked and horny and your sexy bits have partial control of your brain. I think that in cars and on quiet walks are excellent venues.

Talking Points

The best thing a person with an STD can do to make this conversation go well is to know what you're talking about. Know what you have, what it does, how it works, and what the risks to a partner are. Know how to help prevent transmission and how effective those prevention methods are, and where your partner can get tested.

Most importantly, let the person know that you're telling them because you respect them and care about their well-being - it's true, and it keeps things in perspective. And remember, if you need some of this info, the Answerbox is chock full of it!

Realities

There's no point in sugarcoating it...sometimes, this conversation will end a new relationship, full stop. It's just the way the world works. But do you know what? Some people WILL think you're worth the risk. They'll find your respect and willingness to make yourself vulnerable to be sexy and irresistible. And when that does happen, you know you've got someone who's interested in more than just a roll in the hay. These STDs complicate sex lives, but they don't have to end them!

Look, I know that having this conversation is hard, no matter how prepared you are for it. It puts people in an extremely vulnerable position at an already stressful time in a relationship. What I will say though, is that the chances of the conversation going the way you want it to are exponentially better if you bring it up before putting your partner at risk. In my experience, it's not STDs themselves that drive people apart - it's LYING about it.

Finally, I want to commend - HARD - all the people out there who have taken responsibility and had this difficult talk, no matter when in a relationship it happened. Your partners are lucky to have you, and I'm pretty glad there are folks like you out there, too.

Answerbox: Penis, Uninterrupted (Scientific Yet NSFW Pics Ahead!)

I got an email in the Answerbox the other day from a person who had just started dating an uncircumcised man for the first time, and wasn't quite sure what to do once his pants came off. In response, I give you an introduction to penises as nature makes 'em!

Men are born with a foreskin, which is a 2-layered fold of skin that covers the glans, (head) of a flaccid penis. Because most adult men in America today (65%-80%) have had their foreskin removed (been circumcised or 'cut'), many Americans have never seen an intact penis. This here is an example, for the uninitiated:

The outer layer of skin is, obviously, a continuation of the shaft's skin. The inner side is a mucous membrane, like the inside of the mouth or inner folds of a woman's yoni. When the penis becomes erect, the foreskin essentially turns inside out, exposing this more tender skin, as well as the head of the penis:

Where are all the not-porny pictures of non-white penises?! This irks me.

There are some foreskins that don't retract all the way back during an erection, and these can usually be manually retracted, or not, depending on a man's preference. Guys will know from solo efforts how best to handle the situation. If it just won't retract, no matter how he or you try, he may have a condition called phimosis, and should at least talk with a healthcare professional, especially if it would be the first time doing so. He may need medical intervention (though not necessarily).

To maintain a healthy uncircumcised penis, it needs to be kept clean (which can be said for any penis) and protected by condoms with new sex partners. Condoms are especially important because the mucous membrane makes uncut penises much more susceptible to STDs. This increased STD risk is one of the arguments made for circumcision, but the whole circumcision argument is something for another day.

From a partner perspective (which is the only perspective I've got, being female and all), I've found there's not much difference between intact and circumcised once a guy's standing at attention. The skin on the shaft of an erect uncircumcised penis slides up and down a lot more, condom technique varies slightly, and uncut penises tend to be more sensitive at the tip. Other than that, they're really very similar, and each is a treat in its own way!

penis treat!

Finally, if you have questions about any given unit, the absolute best person to ask is the guy attached to it. You can make it sexy and fun: start out gently, asking "do you like this?" while lightly touching him. Then just keep trying stuff ("...what about this? This?") until you get the hang of it. Don't be shy - there isn't a man out there that doesn't like undivided attention paid to his penis, especially when it's in an effort to pleasure it more effectively.

So, here's to the ever-fashionable Snake Sweater! Leaving penises intact is becoming more and more common in the US, so it's wise for young folks (or those with a taste for young men) to have a familiarity with what's coming up on deck. Thanks for your contribution, Answerbox submitter - now go get some with confidence. Have fun!!

Do you have a question for the Answerbox? Click here, or at the top of the page and ask away. All questions will be answered, and all names will remain 100% confidential!

Chakabox Answerbox

[First, a little background: There are 2 distinct types of herpes simplex virus, or HSV: type 1 and type 2. HSV1 most commonly causes cold sores, and about 80% of Americans have it. HSV2 is the cause of most genital herpes, and about 25% of Americans have it. Despite these location 'preferences', both viruses can live either place.]

This morning a friend sent me an email asking me to confirm or deny the following statement, and both the asker and I thought it would a great first entry to the Chakabox Answerbox:

"Acquisition of one type [of herpes] is more difficult - though certainly possible - if you already have the other type. This is because either type, contracted orally or genitally, causes the body to produce [immune proteins called] antibodies, some of which are active against both HSV-1 and 2. This acquired immune response gives some limited protection if the body encounters a second type." (text taken from http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html*)

In the experience and knowledge of Chakabox, this statement is mostly true. HSV2 infection does appear to protect against subsequent HSV1 infection. Meaning, if you get genital herpes first, you're not going to get cold sores in the future. It's a small thing, but sometimes you've gotta find the bright side.

The same can't be said about HSV1 infection, however. There is some protection afforded, it's true, but not in a way that's interesting to anyone but infectious disease researchers. The practical reality is that having cold sores will not prevent you from getting genital herpes down the line. I can't find the bright side to that, but here's this.

If you have any questions about this entry to the Answerbox - or about anything regarding sex or sexuality - please write me! Your name will remain out of it unless you expressly tell me you'd like it used. I love questions, have lots of resources and would love to hear from you. The submission email is Answerbox@chakabox.com!

*www.herpes.com is a good site. Very thorough, generally up-to-date and factual, despite all the ads. Just ignore the ads - they're all malarkey, and this coming from someone who believes in naturopathic medicine.