News Straight Men Have Been Waiting For!

Breasts have always been something that straight men (amongst others) are pretty enthusiastic about.  This has led to some controversy as to whether or not it is appropriate to express said enthusiasm by ogling.  Last year, a study was published that supposedly answered that question: staring at boobs is a good and healthy thing - in fact, it lengthens life expectancy!

She's saving your life!!

Chakabox Research Corner!

Last week was not the best week in the history of clinical STD research.  Some of the news was disappointing, but not at all surprising, and some was just so awful, it makes me want to barf.

Happy October, everyone!

Third Date Conversation

For most people with incurable-yet-not-deadly STDs, (like genital herpes or genital warts) symptoms of the infection are really not the troublesome part, believe it or not. The hard part is having to tell new sex partners about what they've got. I call this conversation the Third Date Conversation.

Time is of the Essence

"Third date" is a euphemism for the time in a new relationship when sex is imminent. You've made out a little, you've had dirty thoughts, copped a feel here and there, and you're ready to rip that sexy creature's clothes off and chow down. Sometimes this happens 45 minutes after meeting, sometimes it takes months or even years.

The actual # date is not the point. The point is that you hold off a little to let your date actually get to know you, so they can decide if sleeping with you is worth the risk to them. If you go out on one date with someone and it doesn't work out, they really don't need to know you have an STD. By the same token, though, you can't hold off so long that a) they're all in love with you, or b) you end up naked without having talked about it.

Take home message: have this conversation BEFORE nakedness commences.

Location, Location, Location

This should go down (no pun intended) in a neutral place, somewhere that both people can comfortably leave and go back to their own space if anyone needs to mull things over before continuing. Not in someone's bedroom when you're half-naked and horny and your sexy bits have partial control of your brain. I think that in cars and on quiet walks are excellent venues.

Talking Points

The best thing a person with an STD can do to make this conversation go well is to know what you're talking about. Know what you have, what it does, how it works, and what the risks to a partner are. Know how to help prevent transmission and how effective those prevention methods are, and where your partner can get tested.

Most importantly, let the person know that you're telling them because you respect them and care about their well-being - it's true, and it keeps things in perspective. And remember, if you need some of this info, the Answerbox is chock full of it!

Realities

There's no point in sugarcoating it...sometimes, this conversation will end a new relationship, full stop. It's just the way the world works. But do you know what? Some people WILL think you're worth the risk. They'll find your respect and willingness to make yourself vulnerable to be sexy and irresistible. And when that does happen, you know you've got someone who's interested in more than just a roll in the hay. These STDs complicate sex lives, but they don't have to end them!

Look, I know that having this conversation is hard, no matter how prepared you are for it. It puts people in an extremely vulnerable position at an already stressful time in a relationship. What I will say though, is that the chances of the conversation going the way you want it to are exponentially better if you bring it up before putting your partner at risk. In my experience, it's not STDs themselves that drive people apart - it's LYING about it.

Finally, I want to commend - HARD - all the people out there who have taken responsibility and had this difficult talk, no matter when in a relationship it happened. Your partners are lucky to have you, and I'm pretty glad there are folks like you out there, too.

The Kinsey Scale

Alfred Kinsey, the granddaddy of modern sexuality research, believed that human sexual orientation is a variable thing. That a people's sexual thoughts, desires and behavior toward either their own or the opposite sex can be fluid over time. To exemplify this idea, he and his colleagues used their extensive research to devise The Kinsey Scale:

0 - exclusively heterosexual

1 - mostly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2 - mostly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3 - equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 - mostly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 - mostly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6 - exclusively homosexual

I believe almost everyone is somewhere between 1 & 2 or 4 & 5, especially considering you don't necessarily need to have sex with someone to tip the scales. It's most culturally acceptable for straight women to indulge in such fantasies (in the brain and in life, not to mention porn), but I think most every person of every stripe dabbles with their "Other" at least once or twice, even if it's only in a private sexy fantasy.

I love the Kinsey scale because it shows this 'dabbling' to be the natural expression of human sexuality that it is. A straight man can get hard thinking about sucking a guy off without being gay. A gay man can get hard thinking about licking a woman's breasts without being straight. Hell, according to this scale, they can even do those things without needing to rearrange their whole sexual identity.

That's the beautiful thing - we all can, men and women alike, without any shame. And healthy sexuality free from shame is what we're aiming for here at Chakabox. It's what we're all about! Thank you Granddaddy Kinsey!

I leave you with a little something we can all shamelessly enjoy, I daresay even you Level 6 boys and Level 0 girls, because holy crap, Charlize is a stone FOX stomping down the hallway gettin' all nekkid:

Nope, I am not a Kinsey 0. And I suddenly want some perfume...

The Pearl of Africa Loses Some Lustre

Uganda is a beautiful green country in central Africa, a place so fertile and verdant that you could bury a rock it it's rich, red soil and it would sprout little rock trees. The air is thick with moisture, and filled with more butterflies than you ever knew existed. I worked at a hospital in its capital city for a couple months back in 2005, and was forever changed by it. For all its beauty, though, it's at the center of some real ugliness at the moment.

Sassy Posing Girls: a universal truth

Homosexuality is illegal in Uganda. Gay and lesbian Ugandans face violence, employment discrimination, arrest and even life imprisonment. New pending legislation would add insult to injury.

Anyone found guilty of one same-sex encounter would face life imprisonment. A family member or friend found to have helped a gay or lesbian person with their 'unnatural' lifestyle - or even knowing about it without reporting it - could be jailed for anywhere from 3 to 7 years. And though recent reports say that the final bill will exclude such language, the original wording would impose death on 'serial offenders' and gays and lesbians with HIV+. Death. WTF.

Look, I respect that there are cultural and religious differences between countries. I also respect that people feel differently about the nature of homosexuality, no matter how much I may disagree with some of them. But I do not respect lawmakers that would kill their own people for no other crime but loving differently than they do. I do not respect a government that allows fundamentalist religion to dictate the human rights of its constituents.

There are some good articles about the situation here, here and here. This is not the first darkness that Uganda has undergone, and when viewed from a certain angle, not the darkest. What it is, however, is a finite, preventable action (rejecting the bill) that will save Ugandan lives. And I am all for anything that does that.

The Chakabox Bill of Rights

Excuse me if I go a little sex-educator cliche here for a sec, but it's time to lay it down.

Assuming you are of a legal age and mental ability to make your own sexual decisions, and that any partner (or partners) are human, consensual, legal and alive, you have the right to:

• Experience sexual pleasure.
• Be sexual at all ages and stages of your life.
• Define your own sexuality, how you wish to express it, and with whom.
• Remain celibate.
• Enjoy your body and all of its sensations.
• Pursue sexual satisfaction any way you choose - without shame.
• Ask for what you want and to set your own limits.
• Say NO to any sexual encounter at any time.
• Say YES to any sexual encounter at any time.
• Feel GOOD about saying yes and no.
• Partners who respect you and are willing to communicate.
• Know if a partner might put you at risk of an STD, and to insist they get tested.
• Ask questions and to receive accurate and factual information about sex and sexual health.

No matter how basic these rights may be, they don't guarantee deep contentment and orgasmic bliss for all time. Sometimes putting your foot down means someone hits the road. You also have to respect these rights in your partners, as well, which means you don't always get everything you want all the time.

Now go exercise your rights!!