Take This Job and Shove It

Know what most people didn't say when someone asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up?   A German porn dubber.  Video is definitely NSFW.

may also be a bit disillusioning to some

I totally have a backup career plan now.

Crosstalkin'

A friend (and soon-to-be neighbor!) of mine is involved with a film currently in production called The Young Invincibles, "a film about sex, jobs and family in your 20's and 30's.  A film about life...with cancer."  When she told me about what she was working on, I mentioned a post I'd written last year about sexuality and cancer, because not only did I think it might be useful to her, I like it when people read my blog.

Get ready, festival circuit

Isabella!

There was exactly one movie my sister and I were not allowed to watch when we were younger: Blue Velvet.  My mom said that it depicted a side of humanity (and sexuality, but she didn't say that part at the time) that we didn't have context for yet, and she worried we wouldn't be able to fully integrate it, and it might screw with our heads.

David Lynch screw with someone's head?  Nah....

Behind the cut is an example of how my mama is no fool.

NINJAAAAAAAA

My friend Lindsey posted this video on Facebook (become a friend of Chakabox!), and it makes me incredibly happy.  I'm not really a ninja girl, and never really have been, but this makes me think I may have been horribly, horribly misguided about that.

They do what the men do, only backwards and in kimono and with their vaginas.

Seriously, put Uma Thurman in her yellow jumpsuit up against this chick and there would be NO CONTEST.  I mean, The Bride could kick some ass and all, but could she put someone back in her WOMB?!  Nope, all she did was regular, garden-variety getting someone out of her womb, and she was even unconscious while doing that.  Nope, amazing sword or no, she's no match for the Queef of Doom.  

Katana Schmatana

Obvious Child

I have girlcrushes. One is Heather Morris, who plays Brittany on Glee ("I took all my antibiotics at once, and now I can't remember how to leave").  Another is Jenny Slate.  I first noticed her on Saturday Night Live doing these weirdly hilarious commercials for doorbells and alarm clocks and whatnot.  Then came Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, which is something you just have to watch, fer serious.

so cute, she gets a pass on wearing an ice skating costume in public

My girlcrush was cemented when I saw Obvious Child,  "a romantic comedy about an unplanned pregnancy, an abortion, and a great first date in an unlikely location."  It's a 20 minute short film that made my day in about 15 different ways.  Here it is for your enjoymatude:

Well, I'm accustomed to a smooth ride...

This film shows that abortion is hardly something to look forward to, but that it's usually, frankly, kind of a good thing.  I mean, no woman WANTS to have an abortion, no matter what the people standing in front of abortion providers with gory signs and sanctimonious attitudes say.  Most women who terminate pregnancy are doing it because they think they're doing what's best for what would eventually become their children, namely, not bringing them into the world until they'd have parents ready to properly care for them.

It's not always a hard decision to make, but getting an abortion is always a hard thing to go through.  I think Obvious Child illustrates how it can be made a whole lot easier if a woman has open support and help from people that love her.  And also pads with wings.

And let me just say that until every anti-abortion protester is actively supporting comprehensive sex education in schools and/or fostering unwanted children, I wish they would just zip it already.

First Tingles

I could link to video of the first boy I totally wanted to make out with in 6th grade, as he has become a minor internet sensation, but that would be too embarrassing for words.  Instead, I reveal the first more widely-known man to catch what would become my certifiably boy-crazy eye:

Dance, magic, dance...in my pants

Fetishes

Hulu is the second best place on the internet, folks (after yours truly, of course).  Not only does it allow me to watch Glee on my own time (read: when I'm alone so I can cry in peace when Kurt's dad vies for father of the year, or, you know, they come back from commercial or something), but it introduces me to documentaries like Fetishes.

you have to sign up and prove you're a grownup to watch it...you won't die from it

Caligula

Back in 1979, an extraordinarily bizarre and impressive gathering of people got together to make an extraordinarily bizarre and impressive movie about one screwed-up Roman Emperor.  

I'm talking about Caligula, a movie written by Gore Vidal, produced by Franco Rossellini, and starring heavy-hitting names like Peter O'Toole, Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren and Sir John Gielgud.  What's so weird about that?  Nothing, except for all the hardcore pornography.

That's DAME porn star, thank you very much

Hey, Let's Put on A Show!!

I saw the trailer to this movie on a list of movies about movies (man, I love a list...) and knew it was something I had to see.  The Amateurs is about group of sweet but kinda losery guys who decide their way to fame and fortune is to make the world's first feature-length amateur porn film.

I'm not going to lie, it lags a little in the first half.  The performances are great, and there are some interesting, even important points made about the porn industry (the pervasiveness of racist attitudes and stereotypes about the prowess and appetites of black men, for example) but it's a little slow in places.  

Stick with it, though, because the last half hour or so makes the whole thing worth it.  Seriously, it's just...it's great.  It totals made my day, and I totals recommend it!

SMEWCHES

Know what I love doing?  Kissing.  The first time I saw the Manfriend, (whose lips are a cross between Angelina and LL in their deliciousness), I wanted to grab his face and kiss it for a week, and that was even before I wanted him to be my Manfriend.

Whether it's a soft brush on my eyelid or a ravenous om nom nom, I'd rather be kissing than doing most anything else, especially writing a paper about ethical decision-making models in counseling, which is what I've been doing for the past week instead of posting here.

In penance, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite kisses in film history, for your viewing pleasure, because if anything is as good as kissing, it's a list.

Humpday

Humpday is a film about two old friends, Ben (married with a new house and trying to have a baby) and Andrew (Mr. Backpack Adventure Man), that haven't seen each other in a decade. At a party one night, they end up drunkenly daring each other to make a gay porn movie together for a local erotic film festival (a send up of Seattle's HUMP! festival).

The idea is that porn is so played out that the only barrier yet to cross is a movie about 2 straight men screwing (which HAS been done, extensively so, but whatever). After said party scene, the rest of the movie is basically them deciding whether or not they're going to go through with it, because neither is willing to punk out on the dare.

I can't say the movie's without faults - it can seem a little too pleased with its own cleverness at times, and is probably about 15 minutes too long. Even so, it touches on some themes that don't often get touched in American films...the nature of love between heterosexual men, the idea that sex can be a friendly act, and the fact that sexual acts outside of a marriage don't necessarily have to threaten or destroy said marriage, provided people actually talk to each other about it.

The movie's been the buzz of the indie circuit this year. It was one of the first films to nab a distribution deal at the most recent Sundance film festival, and this past Friday, it won the John Cassavetes award (for best feature made for less than $500K) at the Independent Spirit Awards (the Oscars of the independent film industry). This is exiting to me for three main reasons:

First, it's a comedy about sex that isn't stupid and vapid. Second, it's a Seattle movie through and through (cast, crew, everything), and it nailed my hometown in a way I have never seen done before (Singles didn't quiiiiite get there, in my opinion). Third, the woman who plays Ben's wife Anna (Alycia Delmore), was one of my dearest friends in high school. I'd recommend the movie even if she wasn't in it, but the fact that she is makes it that much more awesome. I am so unbelievably happy and excited for her, I can't hardly stand it!

So go see some Humpday, people. It might annoy you in places, but it's well worth the ride!

The Hedgehog

When "Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy" came to the movie theater across the street from the bookstore where I worked back in 2001, nobody would see it with me, because they were laaaaaaame. Being the person I am, I went by my damn self, because how could I miss a whole entire movie about the most prolific and unexpected porn star in history?

I just love the guy. He uses plastic bags as his luggage. He dyes his eyebrows. He taught Special Ed before he became an actor. Yes, his nickname is "The Hedgehog", which does kinda paint a good picture, but he seems to genuinely love women, his job and life itself. AND he has a 9.75" cock and a reputation for nirvana-inducing cunnilingus skills! What's not to love?!

Pre-hedgehog days - nummers!

Jeremy has performed over a thousand films, directed and written hundreds more, appeared in documentaries, television shows, music videos, live appearances...and he wrote a book that I will be reading as soon as I have 2 seconds to read something not related to couples and family therapy.

Here is an interview he did with TIME magazine a couple of years ago, which inspired this post. Here's to you, Ron Jeremy, for making fat, hairy and bald something the ladies can't stop jumping on.

Alien Sex Shouldn't be Boring

I saw Avatar a couple nights ago. Visually, it was absolutely stunning - even breathtaking in a couple of spots. It's so beautiful (especially in 3D) it's even worth the inflated entrance price to see it in a theater.

The story, though, was only OK. Don't get me wrong, it's fun and all, but it had some issues, even for a frothy action movie. It was heavy handed, one-dimensional and about 25 minutes too long. And oh, so predictable.

Because it's so predictable, it's not a surprise (nor is it a spoiler to read here) that the 2 sexy sparkly blue heroes end up boning under some (frickin' gorgeous) magical trees. What was a surprise (and a disappointment) was that the scene was BORING.

James Cameron was inventive enough to create a world with floating mountains, glowing whirligig lizards and a humanoid species that communicates with trees (and rainbow dinosaur birds and 8-legged horses) via ponytail tentacles, but he can't think up a love scene more interesting than "pretty blue chick sits on pretty blue guy and they smooch"?! Yer slippin', Cameron.

I'm not looking for Hentai tentacle porn or anything...we are talking PG-13, after all. But this is imaginative PG-13 alien sex:

This is boring PG-13 alien sex:

And I'm sorry, when you have a $250 million budget, the best digital filmmakers in the world, 15 years to write a script and the most romantikest omgponies!!1! movie ever under your belt, I expect a bit more than a hug under a glowing tree. I mean, the tepid hand-on-the-foggy-car-window bit was sexier than this.

But, I am admittedly picky about such things, so I recommend you go see Avatar anyway. Do it before it's out of theatres and there's not much point in seeing it anymore. It's a treat for the eyeballs, if not the brain...and in this case, size does matter.

Chakabox's 5 Most Memorable Sex Scenes

1. Secretary (2002)

Elbows ON the table, please

(Starts at 12:40) Lee (Maggie Gyllenhaal) has been released from a mental hospital after a severe self-mutilation incident, and has gotten a secretarial job for a seemingly uptight Edward (James Spader). Shy, quiet Lee has become increasingly attracted to the forceful Edward, and her submissiveness is extremely attractive to him. This scene is the beginning of a sexual and personal awakening for them both, and is one of the sexiest scenes ever filmed ever.

2. The Name of the Rose (1986)

That's not the volume he's pumping up....

(Starts at about 0:27) Young apprentice monk Melk (Christian Slater) is helping to investigate a series of bizarre deaths in an abbey. During the investigation he is seduced by a beautiful peasant girl (Valentina Vargas) who has come to the abbey to trade sex for food. My sister and I watched this movie with our parents when we were about 13, and they totally fast-forwarded through this scene, immediately making it the most memorable sex scene I never saw.

3. Original Sin (2001)

Amazing

Looking at Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas is the only reason to see this movie about a hot Cuban businessman and his hot-but-sketchy wife. If you go in with that understanding, it's a cinematic masterpiece. After looking amazing in corsets and suspenders for a while, they get naked and look amazing. Then they have lots of sex while looking amazing, and then look amazing while some crap I didn't pay attention to happens. What's really amazing, though, is that a major Hollywood studio released something this explicit.

4. Monster's Ball (2001)

this does not make me feel good

Hank (Billy Bob Thornton) has recently witnessed his son's suicide, and likely helped drive him to it. Leticia's (Halle Berry) husband has recently been executed, and her son (to whom she was not kind) has just been killed in an accident. The sex these two have on the night of that accident is brutal and desperate, but not without tenderness as they try and obliterate their pain with each others' bodies. Berry went on to win Best Actress for this role.

5. Stealing Beauty (1996)

sigh.

19-year-old Lucy (Liv Tyler) is spending the summer with family friends in Tuscany after her mother's suicide to find herself, her real father and to lose her virginity (we're not talking American Pie style, here. This is art, dammit). After several disappointing encounters with sexy Europeans and figuring out the whole dad thing, she finds herself on top of a golden Tuscan hill watching the sun set with her friend Osvaldo (Ignazio Oliva), who reveals that he's loved her since her first trip. They proceed to have the sweetest, most awkward, most wonderful first time that anyone could possibly hope for. Sigh, indeed.

For your further perusing pleasure, the Independent Film Channel has listed their top 50 sex scenes here. Share your favorite or most memorable in the comments!

Hurts so good

Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist is about a performance artist (Bob Flanagan, unsurprisingly) with cystic fibrosis. About being a Supermasochist, he is not fucking around. He nails his cock to pieces of wood, amongst other things. With nails. Yow.

Cystic fibrosis is a genetic disease that, most notably, clogs the lungs with huge amounts of mucus, making infections extremely common, and breathing exceedingly difficult. It is very painful, and sufferers often don't survive past their teens.

This plays hugely into Flanagan's 'super-masochism'. He uses sexual masochism as a way to exert some control over his pain. This is pain he can anticipate - and stop - when he chooses. It also has the added benefit of totally turning him on, which we can all agree feels mostly great.

Assisting him in this is Sheree Rose, his long-time partner and dominatrix. These two love each other so much it makes my insides ache (in a good way). She delights in inflicting pain as much as he loves enduring it - and oh my goodness does she inflict it. Toward the end, though, when Flanagan is in the hospital for the last time, there is a scene of such tenderness between them that it makes The Notebook look like Fatal Attraction.

This film is many things, but I see it as a beautiful and unconventional love story. These are people who are able to use their sexuality to provide themselves great comfort, relief, and joy, which I think is the very definition of healthy sexuality. I strive to be as open as these people, even if it doesn't involve hammers and nails. Yow, for serious.

It is not for the squeamish, but it's fantastic. It's a look into a world a lot of us don't ever really see (mainstream fetish porn does not count). Break out the Kleenex, too...I hadn't cried at a movie like this since one night in college when I watched When Harry Met Sally by myself under the influence of a bottle of wine after being broken up with. This is not something I recommend under any circumstances.

This movie is, though. It's available on Netflix - Watch Instantly, even, if you're hip to the way.

It's a MIRACLE!

People hear about sex from all kinds of places. You've got your standard schoolyard talk, your awkward Mom/Dad conversation, you've got the perennially popular (but factually sketchy) University of the Slumber Party, and the ubiquitous (these days ALSO factually sketchy) Sex Ed in school.

I learned a lot about sex from those places, too, but there was one source above all of them that I think was most formative: NOVA's Emmy award-winning "The Miracle of Life", an hour-long program that first aired on PBS in 1983. It chronicles the beginnings of life from ejaculation to childbirth. It's been dubbed "the most popular NOVA of all time" by PBS.org.

Using magnification of up to half a million times, the filmmakers got some amazing shots. They got a penis ejaculating inside a woman's vagina (blows my mind to this day). They captured the very moment the zygote divided for the first time, and some incredible views of the developing embryo. It all culminates in some utterly terrifying childbirth footage that must have something to do with why I'm so devoted to my IUD.

TMOL doesn't cover the gamut of human sexual experience - it only really covers the biological basics. It introduces the basic plumbing - what each part is, what it's called and what it's actually used for. It doesn't encourage, it doesn't glamorize, it doesn't vilify - it simply provides the facts.

For me, it made sex unquestionably a part of nature - as natural as anything George Page or David Attenborough presented on any other nature show. Because it was so obviously a part of nature...there's never been anything to be ashamed of.

NOVA produced a 2001 sequel called "Life's Greatest Miracle", which can be viewed online here.

It's rated "TV-14", so I pass that on, though scoff loudly while doing so because I saw the original, complete with the above-mentioned cockshot (a scientific cockshot, to be sure, but it was still cock) when I was 6 flippin' years old and didn't burst into flames or anything.

To see if you or your children WILL burst into flames, the original program is available on DVD and can be ordered here.

You may be able to find it used or whatnot somewhere else, but PBS helped foster healthy sexuality in at least 1 young person - least I can do is try to return the favor. :)